Scene: Paddy’s Pub, Daytime. The gang is sitting around a table, looking suspiciously at the laptop. Dennis is still trying to maintain control of the situation. Charlie is frantically scribbling nonsense on napkins, Mac is nervously reading a “Dark Web for Dummies” book, Dee is sipping wine, and Frank is unpacking his box of dark web “treasures.”
[Mac]: [Flipping through the book] Okay, okay. So, I think I’ve got it. The way Tor works is like layers of an onion, right? Each layer hides who you are as you move through the network.
[Charlie]: [Interrupting] Oh, so like, if I was a ninja hiding in a giant onion suit, and I kept peeling off layers so no one could see me! But then, if I get too hot, and take off too many layers, I’m just a naked ninja.
[Dennis]: [Annoyed] Charlie, that’s not even remotely close! It’s about encryption! Your connection is encrypted multiple times and then sent through different servers. Each server peels off a layer, but they can only see the layer they peel, not the whole onion!
[Charlie]: [Confused] So, what you’re saying is… the internet’s trying to make us all cry?
[Dee]: [Rolling her eyes] No, Charlie, it’s not about onions making you cry. It’s about… [pauses, frustrated] whatever Dennis just said.
[Mac]: [Trying to look smart] Okay, so I get it. It’s like we’re ghosts online. No one knows where we’re coming from, or where we’re going. We’re untraceable!
[Dennis]: [Smirking] Exactly, Mac. Unless, of course, you screw it up, like logging into your personal email or something. That’s like leaving your ghost costume at home.
[Charlie]: [Panicking] Oh no! What if I already logged into my email? I have to keep checking it for my rat trap ideas!
[Frank]: [Laughing] Jesus, Charlie, no one cares about your rat traps. Unless… [leans in] unless those rats have been hacking your computer.
[Charlie]: [Gasping] Oh my God, you think they’re spying on me? Watching everything I do?
[Dennis]: [Frustrated] No, Charlie, the rats aren’t spying on you! But that’s why you use Tor, so that no one can see what you’re doing—no governments, no hackers, and no rats!
[Mac]: [Nods] Right, so we’re just bouncing around the world through these nodes, and no one knows where we started. It’s like… uh, like if we sent a letter, but it goes through a bunch of secret post offices first!
[Dee]: [Sarcastic] And then it ends up in some sketchy mailbox where you get drugs or, I don’t know, fake passports?
[Frank]: [Holding up a fake mustache and ID] Exactly! Look at this, Dee! Now I’m “Hans Gruber,” international man of mystery! I’m unstoppable!
[Dennis]: [Ignoring Frank] The point is, you can access things anonymously. But you can’t just go clicking on random stuff. You need to be smart about it. Like, use secure search engines, don’t download anything—
[Mac]: [Interrupting, confused] Wait, wait. There are search engines on the dark web? Like, dark Google?
[Dennis]: [Nodding] Sort of. There are directories, like “The Hidden Wiki,” that list different sites. But you can’t trust everything you see there. It’s not like the normal internet. It’s the Wild West out there.
[Charlie]: [Excitedly] Ooh, like those maps with the “Here Be Dragons” signs? So, I can look up treasure maps, right?
[Dennis]: [Sighing] No, Charlie, no treasure maps. It’s just—forget it. You know what, here’s an example. Let’s say I wanted to—hypothetically—hire a hacker.
[Mac]: [Leaning in, concerned] What for, Dennis?
[Dennis]: [Shrugging] I don’t know, say… bring down a rival bar’s website? Completely hypothetical.
[Charlie]: [Gasping] Oh! Like, putting Pepe Silvia’s enemies out of business!
[Dee]: [Annoyed] That’s not a real person, Charlie!
[Dennis]: [Ignoring Dee] So, you’d go to a marketplace, and there’d be listings for services. But you have to be careful, because it’s full of scammers. You might pay someone, and they’ll just disappear, or worse, they’ll hack you.
[Charlie]: [Muttering] Yeah, you gotta watch out for ninjas too. They’ll vanish on you.
[Mac]: [Nodding] So, we should be looking for the verified sellers. Like on eBay, with the stars and reviews!
[Frank]: [Laughing] Yeah, except here, if they scam you, you can’t just leave a bad review. It’s more like… you send some guy a Bitcoin, and hope you don’t end up on a hit list.
[Dee]: [Disgusted] Great, just what we need. You morons getting us mixed up in some cyber war.
[Mac]: [Flipping through the book again] So, if we use Tor right, we’re invisible. But we also need to use something called… “Tails”? What’s that?
[Dennis]: [Proudly] Ah, yes, Tails! It’s a secure operating system. You run it from a USB drive, and when you’re done, it leaves no trace on your computer. It’s like a Mission Impossible self-destruct button.
[Charlie]: [Eyes wide] Oh, like a secret agent USB! Does it explode if I use it wrong?
[Dennis]: [Frustrated] No, Charlie, it doesn’t explode. It’s just a secure way to use your computer without leaving evidence behind.
[Mac]: [Thinking] So, if we’re all secure and hidden, no one can trace us?
[Dennis]: [Nods] As long as you don’t do anything stupid, like open suspicious files or give out personal information. Think of it like… being in a disguise at a party. If you keep the mask on, no one knows who you are. But if you take it off and scream, “It’s me, Dennis Reynolds!” then, well, the jig is up.
[Charlie]: [Nervously] What if I get confused and accidentally take off the mask? I don’t want people seeing my real face. I don’t even like seeing it sometimes.
[Dennis]: [Annoyed] Then just… don’t go on the dark web, Charlie.
[Frank]: [Grinning] Yeah, stick to your regular rat-infested life, Charlie. Leave the fun stuff to us professionals!
[Mac]: [Smugly] You know what, I think I’m getting the hang of this. We could start our own anonymous service. Maybe… “Mac’s Secure Cyber Solutions”!
[Dee]: [Laughing] Yeah, because nothing says “secure” like a guy who thinks “password” is a good password.
[Dennis]: [Sighing] Let’s just agree to stay off the dark web for a while. We clearly don’t know enough to stay out of trouble.
[Charlie]: [Relieved] Yeah, I’m with you, Dennis. I don’t want to end up getting sold to pirates or something.
[Dee]: [Annoyed] For the last time, Charlie, there are no pirates!
[Frank]: [Grinning] Oh, there are definitely pirates. I saw a listing for a guy who’ll hijack ships for you. It’s like Amazon for criminals!
[Dennis]: [Exasperated] Frank, that’s exactly what we’re trying to avoid! No more dark web!
[The gang collectively sighs, still bickering, while Dennis closes the laptop and puts it away. Frank pulls out his phone, looking up more listings, while Charlie nervously writes “NO PIRATES” on a napkin and sticks it to the wall.]
[Mac]: [Looking serious] You know what? I think I’ll stick to regular hacking for now. Like, learning how to, uh, reset people’s Facebook passwords or something.
[Dennis]: [Rubbing his temples] Just… don’t, Mac. Don’t do any of that. Let’s just all take a break.