Scene: Paddy’s Pub, Daytime. Dennis is at the bar, typing on his laptop. Mac is shadowboxing aggressively near the window. Dee is on her phone, and Charlie is cleaning a glass that only gets dirtier the more he wipes it. Frank bursts in, full of excitement, holding a folder of papers.
[Frank]: [Excitedly] Guys! I’ve got the next big business idea, and it’s gonna make us millions! We’re getting into the ransomware game!
[Dennis]: [Looking up] Frank, what are you talking about now? You don’t even know what ransomware is.
[Frank]: [Grinning] Oh, I know exactly what it is. It’s where you lock up people’s stuff—computers, files, whatever—and they have to pay to get it back. It’s a perfect way to make a quick buck! I’m calling it “Frank’s Lock ‘n’ Block.” Catchy, right?
[Mac]: [Shadowboxing] Yeah! We’ll be digital warriors! Locking down their data like a chokehold. We cripple them, and they have to beg us to set them free. Just like martial arts—it’s all about control.
[Dennis]: [Smirking] So you think we’re going to hack into people’s systems, encrypt their files, and then demand a ransom? That’s actually not the worst idea you’ve ever had, Frank. Illegal, of course, but potentially lucrative.
[Frank]: [Nodding] Exactly! We lock everything down, throw away the key, and then they gotta pay up! I’ve even got a jingle: “If your files are stuck, better have some luck, call Frank’s Lock ‘n’ Block!” The whole thing’s gonna be huge!
[Dennis]: [Nods slowly] Okay, you’ve got enthusiasm. I’ll give you that. But how exactly do you plan on locking down their systems? You do know this isn’t some physical thing, right? It’s digital. You send malware that encrypts their data.
[Frank]: [Grinning] Oh, we’ll lock it down, alright. I’ve already ordered a bunch of safes. We’ll stick their laptops in ‘em, lock ‘em up tight, and they don’t get their computers back ‘til they pay!
[Dennis]: [Stares blankly for a moment, processing] Wait. What did you just say?
[Frank]: [Excitedly] Safes! Top of the line. No one’s getting in without our say-so. We’re physically locking their laptops up, Dennis! Then they gotta pay us to get ‘em out.
[Dennis]: [Realizing] Oh my God. You think ransomware is about physically locking up computers?
[Frank]: [Proudly] Yeah! Isn’t that what we’re doing? They can’t use their stuff if it’s locked away in one of my safes! Lock ‘n’ Block, baby!
[The room goes silent. Everyone stares at Frank in disbelief. Dennis looks like he’s about to have a stroke, while Mac nods, impressed with the plan.]
[Dennis]: [Slowly] Frank… that is not how ransomware works. It’s malware. Digital. We’re not literally taking people’s laptops and sticking them in safes.
[Frank]: [Confused] So… no safes?
[Dennis]: [Exasperated] No, Frank. No safes! You don’t physically lock up anything! You send malware that encrypts their files. The files become unreadable gibberish until they pay for a key to decrypt them.
[Frank]: [Scratching his head] So… I don’t need the 50 safes I already ordered?
[Dee]: [Sarcastically] Maybe you could open a side business where you lock up people’s hopes and dreams.
[The gang falls completely silent. Everyone just stares at Dee. Frank looks confused, Mac glances away awkwardly, Charlie blinks a few times, and Dennis rolls his eyes.]
[Dennis]: [Flatly] Yeah, Dee, that’s hilarious. Really sharp.
[Mac]: [Avoiding eye contact] Yeah, okay, Dee. Sure.
Charlie: [Genuinely confused] Wait, are we locking up dreams now too? I didn’t know that was part of the plan.
[Frank]: [Dead serious] I don’t care about dreams, Dee. I care about cash.
[Dee rolls her eyes in frustration while the rest of the gang continues on, totally missing her attempt at humor.]
[Dennis]: [Regaining focus] Look, Frank, ransomware isn’t a physical heist. It’s all about encrypting data. You hit them with malware, their files get scrambled, and the only way they can access them again is by paying you for the decryption key. It’s all digital. No safes, no mascots, no jingles.
[Frank]: [Pouting] But I already paid for a logo! Check it out—**”Frank’s Lock ‘n’ Block”** with a wolf holding a laptop in a cage. It’s killer branding, Dennis!
[Dennis]: [Frustrated] Frank, we are not branding ransomware! This isn’t Wolf Cola. It’s illegal. You’re not supposed to leave a trail. There’s no logo, no mascot, no business cards, and definitely no jingles!
Charlie: [Excitedly] I kinda like the wolf thing, though. It’s like we’re digital predators, hunting down people’s laptops. Howling at the moon as we lock up their files, right?
[Mac]: [Punching the air] Yeah! And once we’ve got them locked down, we make them beg to get their files back. It’s like putting them in an armbar—they either tap out or get broken.
[Dennis]: [Shaking his head] No, no! That’s not how this works. We encrypt their files, demand payment in Bitcoin—because it’s harder to trace—and once they pay, we give them the key to unlock their data.
[Frank]: [Nodding] Bitcoin, huh? Digital money. I like that. So they send us the Bitcoin, and we unlock their stuff, right?
[Dennis]: [Sarcastically] Yeah, in theory. But sometimes, hackers don’t even bother unlocking the files after they get paid. They just take the money and run.
Charlie: [Horrified] Whoa, so we’re scamming the scammers? That’s cold, man.
[Dennis]: [Shrugging] That’s ransomware, Charlie. Trust no one. Some big-name ransomware like WannaCry or REvil hit thousands of systems, making millions. Hospitals, corporations, schools—they didn’t care. They encrypted everything.
[Frank]: [Excited again] Oh, I’ve heard of REvil! They did that thing where they not only locked up files but also threatened to leak people’s secrets if they didn’t pay. Double extortion! I love it. We lock ‘em up and threaten to expose ‘em. It’s genius.
[Mac]: [Nodding] So it’s like a two-pronged attack. Lock ‘em up with the malware, and if they try to resist, we hit them with a digital roundhouse to their reputation. They lose either way.
[Dennis]: [Nods] Exactly. It’s called double extortion. They encrypt your files and steal your sensitive data. If you don’t pay to unlock it, they threaten to leak everything. Your financials, your client data—it’s brutal.
Charlie: [Panicking] Oh no! What if they do that to me? What if they steal all my rat traps? My plans are sensitive information, Dennis!
[Frank]: [Proudly] And that’s why we’ve got the edge. We’ll be the ones doing the locking! We lock down their files, grab their secrets, and if they don’t pay up—bam! We spill everything.
[Dennis]: [Sighing] You’re missing the point. We’re not supposed to get caught. And we’re definitely not supposed to plaster “Frank’s Lock ‘n’ Block” all over it!
[Frank]: [Grinning] Oh, don’t worry, I’ve already got the next jingle ready: “If your secrets are hot, better pay up a lot, with Frank’s Lock ‘n’ Block!”
[Dennis]: [Groaning] We’re going to jail.
[Dee]: [Sarcastically] Can’t wait to see your billboard ad for this, Frank.
[Frank]: [Excited] Oh, I hadn’t thought of billboards! That’s a great idea! Imagine: Frank’s Lock ‘n’ Block “Locking Down Laptops Since 2023!” Maybe with a wolf holding a giant key, and me standing next to it, winking, like this! [Frank winks dramatically.]
[Dennis]: [Explodes] Frank! You can’t put yourself on a billboard! You’re literally admitting to a crime! That’s not just stupid, it’s self-incrimination! Do you want to be arrested immediately?!
[Frank]: [Shrugging] I’ll just put “this is not a scam” in fine print at the bottom. It’s foolproof!
[Dennis]: [Throwing his hands up in the air] Oh my God. You are actively advertising that you’re a criminal! There’s no way you can finesse your way out of this with a wink!
[The gang stares at Frank in disbelief as the scene fades out, with Frank pulling out his phone to make some calls about billboard placements, and Charlie nervously checks his computer for signs of ransomware.]